Starting Over Is A Habit

I wish I knew then what I know now.

Starting over seems impossible.

Painful.

You think you’d never make the same mistakes again. All evidence to the contrary, of course. Maybe there’s no such thing as starting over when you’ve gone too far. Perhaps the mind can only handle so much abuse. One too many days of worthless input combined with one too many attacks leaves far too many scars.

Where do I go from here?

I wonder if guilt is flammable. If I could start a fire in my mind and only burn up the things I hate about myself? Would it be better to burn it all, the good with the bad?

So many of my memories mingle, incoherently dancing together so I can’t make them out, an orgy of history. It’s like they’re trying to keep me from seeing what I’ve done. Like they’ve judged me weak, and this is my body’s defense. But I remember the affairs. The women I took advantage of. The women that took advantage of me. There were so many of both. Something I was proud of once that makes me sick today. Ironic how a decade will turn your greatest triumph into your biggest regret.

I remember the collegiate volleyball player in the parking lot of TGIFridays, the seductive Mexican on the counter of Express, the blond in the backroom, the girls who belonged to my best friends, the wives that didn’t like their husbands. I remember getting caught more than I remember my birthdays. And I remember doing it all again.

I don’t remember all of them, but I remember quite a few. I remember how some of them smelled like clean water, others like a girl in heat. I loved both. Some trembled nervously, others moved a little too confidently. Every once in a while, I enjoyed it so much I lost track of time. Then reality hit, and that feeling was replaced with guilt, and I did everything to rid myself of it. Like plunging right back into another girl. I remember the tears.

Starting over is a habit. And once you’re so far gone, once the guilt is all you see, you’re gonna have to do it daily. Maybe more. And for how long, I wish I knew.