I Need To Be Necessary

I once believed that I made a difference. That people were better off for having met me. I don’t believe that anymore.

This isn’t an article that will kick-start you into action or motivate you to radically change your life.

Leave now if that’s what you want.

It’s not for Insta-highlights, it’s not even quote-worthy. It’s something that keeps me up at night and what I do about it.

I’m not special. I have no formal training. I’m a guy who messed up a lot and doesn’t want to let life slip away just yet. Even if he doesn’t quite understand what life is about.

Did everyone I come in contact with today leave better for it?

That’s the thing. The thing that keeps me up at night. The reason is simple; I feel guilty.

I wish I didn’t. I wish I could turn it off, amputate the guilt like a witchy nose mole, and rest. But I can’t. It psychedelically meanders overheard like an evil mobile, the faces of everyone I’ve failed, hurt, let down and neglected.

Do other people put this kind of pressure on themselves? I’m not asking because I’m trying to be a martyr, I generally want to know. It feels awful, knowing from balls to bones that you’ve let people down. It feels like being given all the money you’ll ever need in life, only to gamble it away.

Have I helped people in my decades on this earth? Without a doubt. Thousands. But when I remove the more superficial versions of help, when I trim the fat of acquaintances and neighbors and nobodies down to the people I really poured into, when it comes to them, I think I’ve done more harm than good.

I feel like I should insert a quote form someone smarter than me to give this article credibility. But I’m getting so sick of that. So you’re stuck with me trying to describe what it feels like to wake up one morning and feel like you’ve failed everyone you ever cared about.

Maybe because you don’t understand care the same as others, or because you’re a slow learner, or you’re just selfish.

Yeah, it’s that last one.

When you’re writing, do you ever think you’re a fraud? Not because you don’t believe what you’re writing — you, in fact, believe it very much. But because come tomorrow, you may believe differently? Is it me, or does no one talk about that?

Anyway, today, I believe the only way I can keep on going is if every person to person interaction I have leaves them better than before. Even if it leaves me worse. I simply don’t have the energy to feel guilty, and the loss of sleep while staring at the faces of those I’ve failed is driving me insane.

I fell like this is the last chance, and if that’s the wrong motivation, then so be it, but I need to be necessary. I need to know I’m not selfish and horrible and worthless. I need to feel like I’ve made some sort of difference in the lives of others. And this time, a good one.